A Clearing.

Deep deep betrayal ain't nothing to fuck with. As easy as it is for a person to betray you, is twice as hard it is to recover from that. You go through the motions… was it me? Was I not enough? How could I have allowed for something like this to occur? 

Rest easy in knowing that you cannot control anyone but yourself. I am 2 kids deep and 8 years into teaching. I facilitate learning day in and out. I know for a fact I cannot control anything outside of myself. Even things with myself.. I have found that it is easier to go with the flow. 

The mind does ugly things when its reality has been flipped on its head. For a while I have been in a deep fog somedays unrecognizable to myself. I get up, shower, and life swarms me with its long list of to-do’s. Somewhere in the midst of that I’ll be triggered. It can be from anything. I smell.. A sound.. A line in a harmless movie. 

What I have found is that time is the best healer. That, meditation, breathwork, journaling and therapy but also time lol. I am not on a strict schedule. I mostly eat food from home, drink water, and attempt to meditate before sleep. I journal in the morning. I breathe through nervousness, anxiety, and tears. I remind myself that I am okay. That I am loved by the divine herself. That this will past and that at every moment of my past I was doing the best I could with the tools given. I remind myself that I too am human. And that while others may completely fumble in their care of me, it is my job to ensure that I take exquisitely good care of myself. So if I am tired at 8:30pm.. I sleep. I use oil after showers with my favorite lotions. I cook things that I enjoy eating. I indulge in things that bring me deep joy and allow myself to be in the presence of others who offer me grounding and love simply by being there. 

I am no longer in the stage where I am consumed by my anger or curiosity of the matter. I know theres a whole level up in progress. I know peoples actions have nothing to do with me and everything to do with themselves. The lessons of life are enough to have them all on their knees without a finger of my doing being lifted. I wish it on them abundantly. 

And to me…

You’ve allowed your own power to lay at the wayside in your pursuit of love outside of yourself. That is your big lesson. Never do it again. Ase. 

I also wanna say this on a lighter note my kids are healthy. Like.. AF. My money is better. My teeth are straighter. My skin has a glow. Every year I get more and more clear on who I am, my purpose and the life I want to live. Life is less lonely without my mom. Even through my fumbles I make her proud when I find my way back. I know that I will always find my way back. I am very grateful for the clearing of the old. It really is a blessing to welcome in the things that are for this newer version of myself. Its an exclusive club. And I love that for me.

Wishing you all the sowings of what you reap. I wonder if ppl said that more.. maybe they'd think twice of their daily actions to themselves, others and the Earth in general.