Waiting all day to get back to myself. To return to a state of balance. I feel at home in myself but that sense of home is not to be taken for an impenetrable state. There are times where so much is on my plate, that I almost forget to drink water. Imagine. Pouring so much into others where you yourself literally forget to drink water.
As summer fades and I trade my long free days for a packed schedule and soon darkness at 5pm, I realize I like summer way more than I have cared to acknowledge in the past. It is the sun coming out and staying for a long time. Girl. I missed you. It is the lack of clothing which I have fully embraced this year now that I am home in myself. It is the lightness, the carefree heir. The excuse and escape from harsh responsibilities. Everyone chalks it up to “well, it's summer so…”.
But I’ll miss it. I think even more, I will miss not being tired in the hours that matter the most. I’ll miss being far from grind culture and the groupthink message that this is normal. Even as a teacher. I am hoping this to be my last year in a container that verbally mentions self care but has an astronomical to do list daily which contradicts you to do such a thing.
I am holding fast to my dream of service still. Service in a whole way though. It allows for the human experience to be recognized, set free and healed. That is scary as shit to me. Not my dreams, but envisioning myself beyond being someone’s teacher. It has brought me great joy and great anxiety. No one knows that I talk in my sleep but my ex and it's due to stress and worry. With a heart like mine… how can I not be stressed and worried in this field? But this life I want is so damn attractive to me despite my apprehension! I can’t help but to feel more scared of not getting there. So I am practicing having more faith than fear. I know I am divinely cared for, loved and protected. Everything is always working for my betterment and I will receive all that is meant for me.
Even in my exhaustion after work, there is still excitement in returning to this keyboard to type beautiful words that liberate me and help me return back to equilibrium. I am grateful to know joy that the key is to return to it as much as possible.
Here's a mantra: I am joy. I can return home, anytime.
You dead ass can.
All My Love,