It's a Shame

“There are no good or bad coping mechanisms. There are just coping mechanisms that work until they don’t and ones that keep working.” -@bl.ack.magic.woman

First of all *insert brain exploding emoji* this hit at the right time.

Pre-30 is something else. I feel a particular grounding in my body and closeness to myself that has eluded me before. Maybe it’s the times. The pandemic has allowed people to have a huge calling back to themselves. I dig it all for the most part. The part however that is not all love and light and is gut-wrenching, excruciating and painful is accountability.

I been.. Trying to be more accountable of me, for me. There are days where I am literally like “this some bullshit” and really I know what I mean is that I feel like some bullshit because of what I’ve allowed. That quote calls forth the innate knowing that I am not actually bullshit (duh), but I was doing what I could, with what I had for so long and now it does not work.

My biggest shame right now is how I respond to being angry and anxious. Whoa. It feels real to say that. But it’s so damn true. I am not easily angered. However when I am, I be giving it the best that I got *cue Anita Baker. I get impatient and hasty, short and snappy. Quite frankly when I’m angry, anyone can get it. What I actually need is space and quiet. It is no one’s fault but my own that I keep forging forward with those feelings but everyone around me becomes a recipient of my feelings and ionlikedat. It’s not right. And I’m sorry ya’ll!!!! I had loads of family in-house who reacted this way, and needed to see me this way in order for me to be taken seriously and I understood the assignment growing up but that shit does not serve me in the here and now.

I especially cannot show anger in this way after reading “All About Love” by bell hooks. BABE!!! You think you are loving right until you read that book.

You think you are OK until you read that book.

And now you know you could not have possibly been loved and loving right.

Now you know love and you cannot unsee it. So I am rising to the occasion and it includes shame. What a shame shame is if we let it sit. It festers like rotten fruit and builds anger, resentment and embarrassment. All low vibrational feelings. Feel that. But then remember love. I remembered love in those moments and crawled my ass out of the shame ditch.

Remembering, I am still deserving of love. And I must love myself through this because attempting to love more got me here and it is love that will continue to get me through.

When we love through shame, through anger, through frustration, guilt and all of the things… there is light at the end. Push a little harder. Switch some things around. Spend time affirming yourself and telling yourself it is okay. I am grateful to have the knowing and care enough to do that.

So of course I recommend bell hooks' book but I also recommend self acceptance because we really try our best with what we’ve got. Now that I know better, I can do better and explore some options for when I feel angry and anxious. My feelings don’t have to leak out onto those I claim to love. bell said love is a verb. I think it is a feeling too. But it is especially a verb and if I am not loving me right, I cannot possibly show it to others properly.

Here are some mantras I have been repeating to myself:

I am the beloved of God, always provided for, protected and loved.

I forgive you. I love you.

Instead of being on the socials READ SOME MO’! Lol Read the book mentioned above and maybe look at how you love. Then go through your process with understanding in your toolkit, loving yourself and others better as a result.

With Better Love,

Earlene