The Road to Becoming
What if the person you’re becoming, there is no other like them? Just you, setting the precedent and leading the way.
The person I am becoming… I have never seen anything like her and it overwhelms me with gratitude that I am on this road to becoming. It requires me to live in my honesty and show up for shame in a way that dismantles it and always ends with compassion. As it should. I am still learning and unlearning. I have taken to new habits because I need them. I feel insane without them. Like in the morning, before tending to the hustle and bustle of the day, which for me includes getting myself and my son ready for school, I pay myself some mind.
On the wake up sometimes I just lay there in silence . Or, I stretch and meditate. I do so very much enjoy these moments. I connect with myself and God and affirm blessings and abundance over my day and life. It feels fulfilling and rewarding to be in relationship with myself this way.
Anytime I find myself lost in the day. I know I can always get myself back. But honestly, I have been less lost in tasks these days and prioritizing my needs and joys. My needs include simple things like eating foods I like, water, walking, silencing the background noise in my mind and being in community. My joys include Harry Potter movies, having beautiful things surround me that excite my senses and make me wonder.
I have never seen a woman exactly like this in my life. Like most people’s parents, my mom took care of us but was in a mode of living where she could not prioritize her wants as much. She found happiness though. Prioritized it in a way that worked for her. Sometimes I wonder though… what kind of woman would she have been if she were able to give herself all of what she wanted and didn’t leave out shit. What would her ideal version of herself look like and how would she get there? Maybe she was already there! How wonderfully fulfilling it must have been to look at all of her life and feel the weight of God’s love and approval. For me, my mom is the bee’s knees and I know no one who was more powerful, commanding and resilient than she. But, as black women and double marginalized people, we have a lot to navigate. As a result. we miss out on a lot of sweetness. I love her, soft and sweet just as much as I did the other descriptions. I wish she were able to be more of that in her life but I understand why she could not be. Much love to my mom and the life she has led, it has caused me to be here and having the privilege to ponder in this moment.
The woman I am becoming is one that is so herself, her essence beckons other people to be all of who they are too. I only want to be around people who bring me joy and are like minded. These people find me, always. I am looking forward to expanding my connections within my tribe and am open to allowing the right people in.
I been... having very honest conversations with myself. Naming the lies which include the nonsense I have heard about myself and internalized from years of surface level self love and care. That I am too much or too little.
“What about this theory — the fear of not being enough and the fear of being ‘too much’ are exactly the same fear — the fear of being you.” — Tweet by @nayyirahwaheed
I am so afraid these days of not being who I am meant to be. It makes me double down on who I am. It makes me suit up in my knowing and personality after getting through the initial thoughts of not enough-ness. I am finding home in myself. And this home that I have created is beautiful to me. It is self assured, even when I have a bout of insecurity. It is creative, speaks well, takes healthy risks, is honest, explorative, approachable, and just feels damn good. Building up my ideal version of me is the best thing I could have done. I find home in my own skin and it is a gift.
On this blog, I have been talking a lot about becoming yourself, loving yourself, being yourself. I am no expert. But in putting my own advice into practice, I know I am well on my way. This post is an appreciation post to the journey. May you have appreciation for the work you put in too!
Instead of being on the socials… take the time to express appreciation for the journey. You are not where you were before, there is greatness in simply that. Have more faith in yourself, and your higher power for everyday walking in your truth and the knowing that everything is working for your good. It really is.
I tried writing a new mantra, but it felt like I was trying too hard. I don’t do that anymore. Here is the mantra I have been repeating to myself that wraps me in love, warmth and protection.
I am divinely loved, cared for and protected. Everything always works out in my best favor. I am learning my lessons and attracting my blessings.
The first 2, I am crediting L’erin Alta of Black Girl Mystic. You don’t know me, but I thank you, sis. Also, her podcast is a beautiful present. You're completely welcome.
All My Love,