Balance Vs. Harmony
These days I’ve been seeking harmony versus balance. Balance for me implies a need for something else on the other side of the scale. Something opposite or similar added in just the right amount to weigh it out. I don’t need an addition. Everything I need I already have. Gratefully.
What I actually need is harmony in this new stage of my life. I still value the quiet of the morning and nights where both kids are sleeping soundly. I remember wishing for another to be there to disrupt the silence, acknowledge all of me and decompress with. I’m good on that for now. Though when it happens it is really nice. It is no longer a craving or desire.
I am grateful to come out on the other side of unsurety with my head on straight and feeling stronger than when I started. These past few months have not been easy and I prayed for days like these where shit just flowed. Often I find myself thinking of my mom. I know that because she did it, endured hardship, I could. I remember her saying when I was a kid she wanted me to be better than her and recently I said this to my son. He asked “why do you want me to be better than you? What’s wrong with you?” I knew the fact that he felt he could ask me this out loud was an improvement from where I’d come from. I explained every generation walks so our kids can run. When you're a parent there's nothing more valuable than your kids. Not a job, an opportunity, comes close to the love I have for the life I’ve grown inside me.
A part of our purpose in this lifetime will always be to improve our families. We do this by improving ourselves and giving the best that we have to our kids, whatever that means in that present time. It doesn’t mean our kids come before us though. I wanted him to know, it means that I take care of myself and my business, my purpose so well that you are also taken care of and inspired to live a life where you do such yourself.
Our families are important but we, the individual, have to be the apples of our own eyes especially when you have children. Raising kids well isn’t easy. The level of self reflection and intentionality that goes into it on top of physically being present… these days be long. That 5-8pm time block. Whew. It's the ghetto. Especially alone. I forgive myself for the hard times where I put too much pressure on me. Thinking things need to look a certain way, be a certain way, getting myself upset and exhausted. I know I am constantly doing my best. That is all I know how to do. I welcome harmony to enjoy the small moments with the little ones. They will never be this little again and we all deserve a calm, rested, well taken care of Earlene. I deserve her too! I love me some me well moisturized, hydrated and taken care of.
Time exists but then it doesn’t. People make up deadlines.
The only person whom I owe anything is always myself and I’m completely interested in doing more to appease her and return to a space of ease and flow. I dreaded the thought of this new chapter. Life with 2 kids and no immediate help. Life without my mom, without the relationship that once bought me peace but in a whim offered turbulence. Shit ain’t perfect, but I’m definitely fucking with it. The life I’m creating gets to be my favorite shade of purple. No addends necessary. Just harmony.